Intellectual giant Stephen Kelly, Birmingham City’s wonderfully skilled defender and certain candidate for FIFA World Player of the Year has written a new book on the life of Hitler. This major work, called Nice Nazi Adolf – The Misunderstood Man, comes out today and Kelly spoke to the press at the book launch.

‘There have been plenty of negative stories over the years about this guy’, he said, ‘But a lot of it has been nonsense and I want to set the record straight.

‘OK, so one or two people might have got hurt from some trivial dispute he may – or may not – have had something to do with, but that’s life – it happens.

‘What about the huge amount people he gave jobs to, those who spent many productive years making tanks and machine guns? What about the gigantic piles of books written by people he disagreed with that were set on fire and looked really pretty in the night sky? No one ever mentions that. No one has ever remarked upon the fact that he never actually killed anyone himself. Apart from his wife. But you get what I mean.

‘I think it’s very unfair that people who didn’t know him say nasty things about him and just give him bad press. I mean, just look at the stuff written about the holocaust. Christ, what’s all the fuss about? It was just an accident resulting from a misunderstanding in the team talks he used to give. It could have happened to anyone.’

‘Let’s look at the real villains here - the victims. Man, where do these people get off with all their complaining?’

Nice Nazi Adolf – The Misunderstood Man, is available at all Arsenal-hating tabloid journalists’ desks.