Dear Jose (or should that be ‘Sir’ as I am sure Roman Abramovich will be buying you a knighthood for Christmas),

Seeing as it is the season of goodwill I would like to take this opportunity to write and offer you my sincere apologies both for our manager and supporters’ behaviour towards you and your team during the afternoon of Sunday, 18th December. Although it may have been unnecessary for 30,000 home supporters to repeatedly tell a gracious, well-respected man like yourself to “f--- off”, I can assure you there was no malicious intent behind it. Arsene is particularly regretful for not immediately running after you down the tunnel quickly enough at the final whistle in order to shake your hand, as is usually customary at the end of a football match in this country. He feels terrible about this as he was eager to apologise to you in person for threatening to take legal action after you said he was a “voyeur” in front of the world’s media, and accused him of suffering from a “sickness”. Arsene knows he was wrong to do this. The very idea of suing another football manager for slander is preposterous. I am sure a man of your stature would have brushed such personal attacks against your character under the carpet and not kept a record of them in a dossier or any other written form. It is only a game after all.

It was also unjustified for our supporters to question the impartiality of the officials during the match. Robin Van Persie, who was distraught afterward, was wrong for daring to score a perfectly legitimate goal thus forcing the referee’s assistant to rule it offside just before the ball’s smooth passage into the Chelsea goal. There simply was no excuse for this regretful action and we assure you Robin will receive a suitable punishment for his impudence. The fans’ insinuations that the referee was on the Russian payroll after Michael Essien committed his third bookable offence and remained on the pitch was not merited, quite frankly. We all know he is NOT the dirty player we can see with our own two eyes from the stands or on the television replays. His stamps, elbows and retaliatory kicks are all part and parcel of the game. Lauren has expressed his regret at getting his head in the way of one of Mr. Essien’s flailing elbows, and will definitely not be forwarding his dental bill to Chelsea FC for replacing the tooth that was knocked out of his mouth by the contact in that fair challenge.

Furthermore, without wishing to sound too sycophantic, everyone involved with Arsenal Football Club would like to extend our hearty congratulations for your outstanding triumph in winning the BBC’s 2005 Coach of the Year award. I personally was so elated that I laughed hysterically for hours when it was announced on Sports Personality of the Year. ‘Tis the season to be jolly after all! You undoubtedly deserve to have such an honour bestowed upon you, Mr. Mourinho, Sir, as your achievement with Chelsea far outweighs that of Duncan Fletcher, who coached the English national cricket team to their most sustained period of success in recent times, culminating in winning the Ashes for the first time in almost twenty years. And even Rafael Benitez, who took an outfit of also-rans to Champions League glory, unworthily at your expense. I do not envy the task that confronts you day in, day out. Having to manage all those world-class players who are at their peak, the ones that you have so skilfully assembled all by yourself and have at your disposal for every fixture; the countless millions Roman Abramovich keeps giving to you whenever the transfer window is open, it must be an awesome task. Us ordinary, untouched by special-ness kind of people would not know what to do with such riches! You are a footballing phenomenon.

So, Jose, in this holiest of times, we implore you to please forgive us our trespasses. Enable everybody at both clubs to put all the bitterness, spite, slanderous judgements of people’s character and the unequivocal arrogance behind us so that we can all move on and co-exist in harmony. With that we would like to wish you and your Russian family a very Merry Christmas and a successful 2006, which you have worked so hard towards because, just like Jesus Christ before you, you are indeed “The Special One” and you truly deserve it.

Yours Faithfully, All at Arsenal Football Club.