I had a dream last night in which I was reading a paper from next week (some of it remembered below). Maybe I will put a fiver on it…

There was sensational news from Moscow today, when all the players from both Chelsea and Manchester United were disqualified from competing in this year’s Champions League final after being given life sentences in a Siberian gulag for roasting elderly Russian nuns lying in their death beds.

This occurred shortly after an unfortunate accident when Roman Abramovich’s saintly existence was tragically cut short by a sniper’s bullet. With profound sadness, President Putin stated that after an exhaustive ten minute investigation, there were no leads and the matter was closed.

Meanwhile, Sir Alex Ferguson’s new autobiography has caused one or two raised eyebrows due to the chapter in which he describes the many enjoyable evenings he spent in his dear Austrian friend's cellar conversion.

On the back page was the headline: Eboue Signs 10 Year Contract At Arsenal.

It was at this point I woke up screaming.