Cher Diary,

Mediocre. Lacklustre. Humdrum. Just some de les things people are saying this matin about mon hair. Le news est dominee about le theft de mon ‘Because Je Suis Worth It’ – which has also left moi looking as though je have hairy caterpillars living dans mon ears.

Et what of Romanie?

Le preparation was disastereuse. La nuit before le match, there were terrible screams from one de la rooms. Everybody was tres alarmee. Eventuallement, we discoverez le reason. Someone had sneaked into le room that is shared by Lilian (ho ho) et Willi Gallas, et stole their false teeth that were lying sur their bedside tables.

Je was even more furieuse than Alex Ferguson that time he discoverez that le mini bar on le team autobus was emptee. Je will conductez another investigatione to discoverez le personne responsible.

Just before le match, je informez le team about le formation. Because de le unfavourable positionne de Mercury, je chose un Gemini defense, un Virgo midfield, et un Capricorn attaque. Je expecte le team to say ‘Bravo, Boss – vous are magnifique!’ etc – mais they respondez avec silence, probabellement because they were awestruck de mon brilliance. Finalement, Vieira said, ‘Et le positionne de Uranus - it talks now?’ Poor Patrick, he non understands le science de astrologie – une talking planet!

Je told Ribery to run at their defense avec his head up. Je suis not sure of les Romanians, but le sight of his sweaty, puffing face coming mon way scares le hell out of moi. Je was tres frustratez during le match; et je gave my full range de Gallic shrugs to show je meant business. At une stage, Mathieu said ‘Shall je call International Rescue?’ Je have non idée what he est talking about. That Flamini est une strange homme.

Instead, je will telephon Chelsea et demandez why they did not informez moi that Anelka est totale merde. Je think selecting him was le worst decision since that old lady who wanted une second opinion from that nice Dr. Shipman.

Après le match, je heard le critique de les commentataires de le BBC. In particulaire, le massive personality de Alan Hansen who said France played without le flair et le grande intellect de Alan Shearer who said France played without le imagination. Je may listen to them dans le future. On second thoughts, je will first regardez une video of when they won les EURO’s et le World Cup.

There est une old French saying: ‘Why are les Germans going around le Maginot Line.’ No, je don’t know what it means either, mais le point is je suis neither optimistic nor pessimistic, neither comme si, nor comme ca, et thanks to le thief de mon ‘Because Je Suis Worth It’, mon hair est neither grey nor naturelle black.

Ed’s note – our thanks to Doktor Schneide for facilitating this feature, which we plan to run for the duration of the Euros