Cher Diary,

It has been une traumatique week. We have suffered tres bad results et our team has had more arguments and in-fighting than Joey Barton’s wedding reception. It is also unfortunate for Thierry to end up being le joint leading goal scorer for Italie.

Les newspapers de France have been tres unsympathetique. Why, they demandez, did we not have un bon striker? But it was une impossible task to locatez one; it was like being told to find le Holy Grail, une unicorn’s horn or une reasonably priced Arsenal season ticket. Les newspapers Austrienne have also been criticale. One even questioned mon sanity. That’s une bit rich, je thought, coming from une nation who consider it alright for fat men to dance in leather shorts et normale to keep prisoneurs dans le cellar.

In le preparation for le Nederlands match, je thought je would get some inside information on their players. Je asked Willi G about van Persie.
‘Who?’ He said. ‘What team does he play for?’
‘He plays for les Gunneurs!’ Je cried.
‘Are vous sure? Je have never heard of him’.

So, in une attempt to inspire le team, je looked sur le web. Thinking of what Napoleon achieved, je typed - French Military Victories - on Google et pressed ‘I’m feeling lucky’ – je won’t tell vous what comes up – it est too insulting!

Mon investigationne into le missing ‘Because Je Suis Worth It’ reached une climaxe before le match v Italie:

‘Je suppose vous are wondering why je have brought all of vous here dans le dressing room?’ Je began avec confidence et authoritee.
After une pause, Patrick Vieira said, ‘Er… to play against Italie?’
‘Incorrecte!’ Je declared avec une flourish. ‘Well, oui, that too - but also je have brought you here to reveal le culpritte de mon “Because Je Suis Worth It”!’
Many de le team groaned, non grasping le seriousneuse de la situation.

Je paused for une effect dramatique, et announced; ‘Je thought for some time, le thief was Lilian’, le team laughed at le mention de his name. ‘But’, je continued, ‘But mon early suspicions that he used mon lotione as une liniment for his ancient rheumatique joints were unfounded. Non, it was not him….’ Je slowly moved mon pointed finger around le room. ‘It was un homme who at le age de 53 has no grey at all… it was vous!’ je said, mon finger resting at … Makelele!

‘Non it wasn’t, vous idiot!’ He respondee. ‘It was Ribery. He likes le taste’. ‘Oui, it est true.’ Said some of le players.
‘What!’ Je said. ‘Get him out of le box’. Le team unlocked le grande box we keep him in, et took off his gimp mask.
‘Is it true?’ Je asked. ‘Did you take mon “Because Je Suis Worth It”?’
‘Chains off! Ribery play le football!’ He screamed.
‘Chains off after vous tell moi.’ Je said.
‘Ribery drink it. Mmmm taste good. Ribery play le football!’
‘Ah, er… je thought so!’ Je said avec triumphe. ‘Je suspectez vous all along.’
Just then, there was une knock on le door, et le referee put his head in. ‘Ready for le kick-off?’ He asked.

From le start, je was tres tense et je was sweating more than that time Zinedine Zidane was stuck in une sauna with une defectif thermostat. Je thought we might get une game without le cheating, but les Italiennes were up to their old tricks. Je haven’t seen so many false claims from so many cheats since je watched that TV documentaire about benefit fraud dans Merseyside. Now we have non chance of finishing in une respectable position – a bit like Tottenham in Septembre.

There have been une or deux calls for moi to be sacked, but je will respond to them le same way of le magnifique Steve McClaren, who so nobly refused to resign on une matter of principle. Like him, je will instead wait for mon contract to be terminee. Le grande amount of cash that comes avec that option est purely academique to mon decision.

Je was asked what je think of le quarter finalistes. Je replied that je suis very much an admirer of the German manager, Joachim Low. He has created a stylish set up that although possesses body and strength, has a flowing form allowing it to move confidently. It is also resilient as it retains its shape even after being ruffled. But enough of his hair – which is also as naturelle in colour as mine should be – merci, monsieur Ribery!

Je received un post card today from Mathieu. Le picture was of une tropical paradise and on le back was written, ‘Cher Boss, greetings from Tracy Island!’ It looks tres bon. Je might go there une day.

Ed’s note – our thanks to Doktor Schneide for facilitating this feature over the duration of France’s fairly brief involvement in the Euros