In a move that may be seen as being mildly controversial, Arsenal Football Club today made the following announcement to the press:

“Anyone found to be standing during a game at the Emirates Stadium this season will be decapitated, have their bodies dragged through the streets by rabid timber wolves and then be boiled down for glue.

We expect one or two liberal softies may say this is a little harsh in their whiney little voices, but we have devised strict rules based upon vague (or frankly made up) ‘safety’ regulations. But the beauty is that because we intermix our letter-headed decree with the term Health and Safety, we can actually get away with anything. Cool, huh?

We also have to consider the welfare of our cherished supporters. Obviously this doesn’t apply to the riff raff - like the ones who’ve only paid a paltry £925 for their season ticket. No, to these dregs of humanity we demand that they do as we say and not do as they see when they look upwards to those who grace the more salubrious areas of the ground. The better class of fan in the executive levels can continue to stand, drink, dance, do cartwheels and generally look bemused as they watch the quaint game of soccer for the first time.

A word of warning to the consumer units in the cheap seats who do not do as they are ordered: We pride ourselves on the quality of our stewards, who are selected from that fine group of people that wish to get into the ground for nothing and hopefully see the game. They are also armed with hastily prepared pamphlets on Stadium Regulations that you need not study or comment upon.

Enjoy the new season!”

*Ed’s note – for those who did not receive the email, it can be read here