"To be honest, they're a bit sh*t, but we'll no doubt squeeze past 2-0 on aggregate"… Whilst on my summer hols backpacking across Eastern Europe, word comes through from my dad that we've been drawn away to Dinamo Zagreb in the Champions League Qualifier. Imagine my delight on discovering that I was due to be in Zagreb on the Saturday of the first day of their domestic season, when they played Sleven Belupo. Here for your aural delectation is a brief lowdown of what to expect in terms of the city, ground and most importantly the opposition.

The first thing about Zagreb - don't make it a week long trip as there is naff all to do there and most things shut at 11 anyway. It’s a quaint enough little place, but absolutely nothing happens there except they fire a cannon at midday every day so the locals can set their watches.

Secondly, the ground. It’s a classic Eastern European ground. Roof on only one stand, running track around the edge of the pitch, players come out of a hole in the ground onto the pitch. The Arsenal end is set far away from the pitch, behind the goal at the far side of the stadium. I'm not sure what price we're being charged for tickets but I paid two quid (20 kuna) for my seat amongst the flag-bearing, flare-launching psychopaths who actually turned out to be lovely people, especially on finding out I was a Gooner.

And the team... well, they won 1-0 on Saturday but they were simply poor. Their back four is marshalled by club record signing Jens Nowotny who looked fat and slow. They concentrated too much on going forward and left holes all over the place, especially at left back as their full back, Hrjove Cale, likes getting forward but can't defend for toffee.

They are a team miles ahead of everyone in their domestic competition in terms of skill and quality and obviously like to attack. They play one man up front (a lumbering ox who can beat a man but can't pass or shoot) called Eduardo (Brazilian. Well, Brazilian in the sense that he's a c*nt with neatly trimmed hair...), who has two men playing just behind him, Costa and Luka Modric - easily their star player.

Modric is a classic playmaker - everything goes through him. He plays long and short balls and we will have to close him down in order to ensure they don't sneak a goal or three...

In short, we shouldn't have any problems. They like to attack but are a naive team who leave gaps all over the park - hence the signing of Nowotny. We should be able to exploit these and get goals, but the thought of 40,000 screaming Croats, baying for goals and blood could allow them a sneaky goal...