The world of football was shocked to its foundations today after Arsene Wenger was uncovered as being nothing more than a fraudster who for years has deceived millions in order to manage one of the world’s biggest clubs. In a hastily prepared press conference, Wenger confessed all. Choking with emotion, he said, ‘It’s true. I’m not really a football manager. I got the job through deception. My name isn’t Arsene Wenger and I’m not even French. My name’s Reg Moody and I’m from Carshalton’.

To stunned reporters he went on, ‘It all started as a bit of a laugh, really. A few years ago, Arsenal’s situation under Bruce Rioch wasn’t that great. Confidence was low and you could see that the fans wanted a change. So after a night on the lash, I sent in a snide CV along with a joke letter explaining how I would get the club going again – play the game beautifully, get in young talent and make them world stars, scientific diets, revolutionary fitness regimes, a whole new philosophy, etc. You know - all that stuff that no manager in the world was capable of doing. I even put the name Arsene on it as a joke, too. I mean, who would have believed that – Arsene the Arsenal manager?

‘You could have knocked me down with a feather when I got a letter back saying I got the job. I was gonna come clean and tell the club it was just a prank, but when me missus saw the starting salary she told me to keep schtum and got me some Pink Panther videos so I could work on getting a dodgy accent. So, I went along with it and - what do you know - in me second season Arsenal won the double! After that, it was just success after success! FA Cups, another double, Champions League final, the world’s press praising how we played football the way it’s meant to be played – we even won the Premiership one season without even losing a game! It just happened – don’t ask me how, I know nothing about football!’

Asked exactly how he was unmasked as an impostor, Reg replied with resignation. ‘It was all down to the reactions from the more astute supporters who were angry that Arsenal didn’t become a team who won every single game they played in. I knew the storm was coming the other day when Fulham had the temerity not to roll over and let us thrash them. They even took the three points if you don’t mind.

‘I also incurred their wrath due to the fact that rather than squander already depleted funds on players with moderate abilities, I preferred instead to stick with the talent I’d been nurturing and who I had belief in. It would of course be much more preferable if Arsenal was owned by a foreign egotistical mega-rich oligarch with no scruples or sense of this club’s fine traditions, but there you go. Instead of buying trophies, I guess the club’s stuck with attempting to win them in the manner and spirit they’re meant to be won.

‘It was a bit of a shock being called a c*** by people who only recently had been calling me a genius, but they’re right. I’m totally useless and I admit it’. Fighting back the tears, Reg said ‘I just hope the fans can forgive me… I’m truly sorry for the state I’ve reduced Arsenal to.’