Not so Mystic Merse after studying his crystal balls has came up with the following predictions as the new season starts:

Bolton Wanderers will kick lumps out of the Arsenal team. The total number of two-bob journalists bemoaning Arsenal's lack of English players will exceed 43 twats. David Mellor will say something snide and derogatory about Arsenal.

A 16-year-old we’ve never heard of will be stolen/signed by Arsene Wenger after turning down twice the money to sign for the Chavs. He will be declared by the press to be the next Pele / Maradona / Best / Cruyff / Henry / Adams / Bergkamp or McGoldrick.

Maureen Yo will talk out of his arse. Jol will tell another lie. Arsene Wenger will fail to see an incident. Neil Warnock will find himself in trouble with the authorities. David Mellor will say something else snide and derogatory about Arsenal.

Kenyon will claim that the Chavs are on course to break even in the 2011-12 season. Arsenal’s new ticketing system will reduce but not eradicate touting at New Highbury. The curse of the calendar will continue throughout 2006-7. Blackburn Rovers will kick lumps out of Arsenal.

Spurs will look sh*t in their brown turd choice kit – but oh how we’ll laugh. Our home form will suffer due to the ‘new stadium’ effect. Sheffield United will attempt to kick lumps out of Arsenal.

Neil Warnock will get a touchline ban. Harry Rednapp will sign more new players than anyone else in the Premiership. Big Fat Sam will say something snide and derogatory about Arsenal. Alex Ferguson will resign….. himself to a trophy-less season. David Mellor will make some more snide and derogatory remarks about Arsenal.

Cesc Fabregas will be linked during the transfer window, with Inter Milan, Milan, Real Madrid and Barcelona. Theo could well study and achieve an Open University degree before he plays for our first team.

8 out of 10 fans will be gobsmacked when they finally see the inside of our new Stadium at Ashburton. The other 2 out of 10 will moan about the price of pizza and lager. Only 28% of footballers can tie their laces without the aid of an agent. By the end of the 2008-9 season this figure will have risen to 31%. David Mellor will make yet more snide and derogatory remarks about Arsenal.

East and West Stand two and three bedroom flats will sell for obscene sums of money that will even stagger Edelman.