An open letter to Arsenal and Manchester United from Quintin Rimmer, Chairman of the newly formed mid - Sussex Red Devils Supporters Club.

Dear Sirs,

Imagine my anger and disgust after paying an obscenely large amount of cash to watch Manchester United for the first time last Saturday, only to be the victim of an obvious scam where both teams were made up of counterfeits. Such underhand shenanigans are inexcusable and make no mistake, as well as convening an emergency meeting of the Haywards Heath Conservative Association, I shall also be writing forthwith to the Daily Mail to express my disapproval.

The evidence is as follows. The team purporting to be Manchester United included:

1. an acne faced ladyboy who threw himself to the ground at regular intervals while screaming like a transsexual banshee.

2. a fat layabout wearing a Halloween mask who’s only desire was kick the ball as hard as he could against the corner flag.

3. an arthritic elderly gentlemen with an unfortunate facial deformity who was ‘playing’ in defence, only to be mercifully substituted when his wheezing breath, crimson face and bulging eyes were eventually identified as the tell tale signs of an imminent coronary.

4. a pasty faced Dracula look-alike who wore a permanent expression of bemusement due to his total failure in dealing with that spherical object central to the game of football.

5. a yob who would have preferred, no doubt, to wear his customary ‘hoodie’ top during his attempt to detach the opposing goalkeeper’s head from his body.

And who, may I ask, were the team pretending to be Arsenal? The collection of individuals who played instead with such skill, passion, courage and resilience were obviously ringers. Where were the disorganised rabble one season away from relegation that all the media experts had reliably informed us of?

Shame on you all! I shall be watching the Premiership results very closely in the future and come April/May time, I may very well retrieve my Chelsea scarf from the loft. You have been warned!